The Day the Sun Stood Still

“Do you remember the story in Joshua 10 where Joshua prayed for the sun and moon to stand still while in battle with the Amorites? Sometimes God does what we ask for and it feels great! Finally everything is going our way!

But what about the people on the other side of the world? The people who had an entire day of darkness? How did they feel? They were probably wondering what the heck they did wrong. Why is this happening to them?

Sometimes we pray and the sun stands still. And sometimes we’re on the other side of the world in the dark. That’s when we have to remember that it isn’t all about us; sometimes bad things happen to us so that something good can happen for someone else. And we just have to trust that God knows what he is doing. ♥”

I didn’t write this. I wish I did.  A good friend of mine sent this to me, and I cant stop thinking about it….. so I thought I would share it.

Maybe Andrew and I will get a chance to be in the sunny side of the story soon. Until then…………..

Guest post…Free Ride Into UglyTown

Free ride into UglyTown

by Becca on Jul.28, 2010, under Lifestyle, Personal Updates, Uncategorized

Marriage is not a free ride into UglyTown….

Guys this applies to you as well, but I’m mostly talking to girls since, well, I AM a girl….

Read the rest of the post on

http://worshipriot.com/blog/2010/07/free-ride-into-uglytown/

The glory of grasping

I am grasping at straws….

The things that seem good and right to me, are not. I can talk and reason myself into, or out of anything, really.

But only God knows my heart…...

And He tells me my heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. So it would make perfect sense that the plans I have, and the things I would like to do, I don’t have a freedom to do. Yay me. Like for instance…. (bear with me, this wont make any sense, but it will in later posts)

I wanted to go to Pennsylvania for a week or construction work with our youth group. Sounds like heaven to a girl like me. What could possibly be better than a sawzall, a dust mask, a shovel, and of course, my trusty Estwing hammer?!?! We spent MONTHS preparing this and being more and more excited as the days got closer. I mean, if you know us, this is right up our alley….

Then I had this feeling…..we weren’t supposed to go. Whatever, we HAD to go…. right?!? I mean, we were the CHAPERONES for crying out sideways! Then I got stressed and agitated; and I mentioned it to Andrew in passing as I thought things were falling apart, and not looking as if we were supposed to go on this trip. My man told me we were committed to it, and that we would go and see it thru… like we always do. So after a youth leader meeting, and a series of unfortunate events, where I said no more to him on the subject; I noticed he was not okay. Long story made short, he called us out of the trip. I was instantly relieved, but also very disappointed. I still don’t know the WHY. And I need to be okay if I don’t ever know it….. but reallly….what was the big deal!? We were going to make a difference in the ghetto of Philly…..I don’t understand. But I DO know the check in my spirit was from God. And I had to obey. And I trusted HIM to move Andrew, not me, and He was faithful.

I would love to live an “American Dream” life.  You know, the familiar, kids, nice house, good job, good car, has it all together life? Ha. Not even close.  This year, thru circumstances we can’t control, my husband has worked 14/16wks (ish) at his normal, 40hr a week job. He has been unemployed for almost as many weeks as he has worked this year. Now, he is stellar at finding other money-making opportunities to supply us with food and gas money…but forget saving up for anything pretty for a while….(more on this in a post to come…)

We were all set to enroll 2 of our 3 kids in school this yr….a school that would cost alot of money – that we just don’t have right now. For various reasons public school wasn’t an option for us.  They were going to soccer this fall as well… not thru the money situation, (Although it did come up), the was that never really welcomed check in my spirit. and about this time, I am pretty frustrated. Hahaha. If you know me, you know this went something like, “God, WHAT is the BIG deal?!? Everyone ELSE gets to just go along doing everything FUN and we are stuck living with our hands tied behind our back with everything fun and GREAT 2 feet in front of us.. Why does EVERYTHING YOU want us to do have tobe the opposite of what WE WANT to do?!” So, as much as I don’t want to, I have a peace about homeschooling our kids . At least for this year. If we survive. Kidding people, kidding…. again, more on this later….

But I see a glory in the grasping…. like this. Please don’t miss it.

I cannot be the best wife, the best mom, the best teacher the best friend, the best encourager, te best chef, the best cleaning lady, the best friend. But my focus is wrong. I cannot be THE BEST anything. Apart from the grace of God, I cannot even be the best Becca Kunz that is supposed to walk the earth for a few short years. The glory comes when I admit that I cannot, and that HE alone can. His strength is made perfect in my weakness… As I am brave enough to admit that I cannot, and that only He can, to stop trying so hard to be the best, there is a freedom and a supernatural strength that comes with….

Obviously homeschooling doesn’t make you more spiritual; nor does abstaining from something, like chocolate or certain types of music, or alcohol. Let’s call it what it is, and admit we are the weaker brother…. but that is a different post for a different day.

When people tell me they don’t know how I do it; the answer is by God. I cannot even breathe without Him. My other big secret is the joy and relief that comes  when I can admit I don’t know what I’m doing….but I know that He does. Most days I feel like I’m stumbling around in a dark room always tripping on something, and bumping my shins and stubbing my toes, trying desperately to find the “right thing” to do.

Then I stop.

And I admit I don’t have the slightest clue. All of a sudden I find I wasn’t stumbling on my own.

Fairy Tale

Today was a fairy tale. Not in the unreal, take-your-breath-away-no-imagination-kinda way, but in the comfy, walk-into-the-sunset-happily-ever-after-imperfect-gonna-remember-this-forever kinda way.

We have had a rough summer. And it’s only the middle of July. The kind of summer that laughs at you as it rips out your guts and parades around, and all the while you’re wondering, “what happened?!” Nothing as gone as it should. And for a while we were still rolling with it, then we were no longer rolling.  So we took a family day today. We never do this. Normally we skip along flying from task to task or person to person. Suffice it to say, through various situations, and events, we were left bleeding along the side of the road. We needed some US time. before we forgot who WE were.

Personally, the thought of all the setbacks we would incur on this day trip out of town was almost more than I wanted to do. I am in survival mode; doing the very least to get by and survive intact until the end of the day. (If you don’t believe me you should come over and see the amount of laundry that is NOT folded and put away.)

So we actually said “NO” to some other things, and we took a road trip about an hour and a half north to the beach. It wasnt perfect, and it was alot of work, not necessarily relaxing when you have a 5, almost 4 and just 2 yr old.

But, seeing how brave my kids are in the deep water, how cute they are with floaties, teaching them to jump in the waves, building fireplaces, (don’t ask) and sand castles, cuddling a very sandy and shivering AidenBear, drinking CapriSun, and eating animal crackers by the sandy mouthful. Talking about the sparkly water, and laughing everytime Evan asked if we were going out to where the “Ugly Fish” lived…Even though there was crying, and sand everywhere it didn’t belong, a broken banana, a cranky Bear, clouds, and wind, my husband had enough sense to whisk us away for the day to just BE, and breathe, and reconnect as a crazy OCD/ADD family that we are……and when you’re 5, almost 4 and just 2, reconnecting is playing. And until today, I hadn’t realised I lost my fun side….I’d been so busy being a grown up I forgot how to PLAY. No wonder I didn’t like me. And even though we don’t feel quite whole, this is not the end of this real-life fairytale adventure. Stay tuned.

Compelled

I am compelled to love people. The people that God has placed in my life; I know they aren’t there by chance; and that God put them there for a specific reason. My husband, my kids, my friends, my extended family, my high school girls and anyone else whose paths cross mine.

Nothing brings me greater joy than knowing I am investing in the one thing besides God that lasts forever. People. Doing the best I can through Jesus to show them His love. Growing up I was taught “Love God Love People“. It was repeated over and over to me, and now I look at it as a motto of sorts. To have a servant’s heart and pour myself into the people in my life.

Obviously I don’t do this perfectly. That’s not a surprise right? I hope not. But lately I’ve gotten hurt, and tired, and started to think that people SUCK. We really do. If you think about it; we are selfish, mean and critical. Thinking only of ourselves and how something benefits ME. I can only go so long without hearing a thank you, or having the love be returned, or being told AGAIN that I didn’t do something correctly (when it wouldn’t have gotten done in the first place so how is there a WRONG??) before I being to feel taken advantage of. Or used. SO a part of me wants to hole up and tell anyone who asks me where I’ve gone that it’s scary and lonely and mean out there. That the love I give, is, for the most part,  not returned. And tell you the ways I’ve been used and hurt, and how lonely I feel. And if you’re actually one of the few DOers to tell you not to go out there and waste your time on the TAKErs… because all they do it, well, TAKE.

But then, as I cry into my pillow over someone I’ve been forgotten by, how much more Jesus is hurt and cries over us when we forget Him. There are so many times I just TAKE from Him and never give back, never stop to say thank you, or I tell Him how I would’ve done it differently. And while there are people I would die for, Jesus died for ALL of us…every single crummy, sucky, worm of a taker person out there. So each of us wouldn’t have to. Craziness. And as if that weren’t enough, He wants a relationship with us. Wants to know us. Wants to be involved in our everyday, living breathing life. How totally other than we are.

SO, once again, as He lovingly shows me I cannot sit here and stomp my feet over my so called rights; I am called, and compelled to LOVE. As He first loved me.

Bump. Set. Spike.

volleyball.

Love it! horrible at it though…but I have something I’m better at. And I didn’t even know it til a couple years ago.

Setting people up for failure. sabotaging any effort you might have shown. Take for instance my husband. And let’s say it’s my birthday. Yay me.

So I say nothing for weeks before hand. I don’t offer any blunt helpful hints like, “Hey dude, this would be a great gift for my bday!!” After all, he SHOULD remember; and be creative on his own…… BUMP.

The day before, and especially the morning of, I’m sullen, and grumpy and already sure he hasn’t thought of me and my so called special day at all…… SET.

And then when he shows up with nothing or even worse, what I think is a horrible display of lack of love (after all my strongest love language is “gifts” I mean come ON. We went thru that book like what? 3 years ago? why doesn’t he remember this stuff?!”) I BLOW UP. completely lose it and cry and do the “you don’t love me” scene… SPIKE.

I don’t play mind games anymore. I have learned not to sabotage my husband. I tell him straight up how it is, and how I feel. There is alot more respect that comes from that than from sitting in my ambush waiting for him to fall into my nicely covered pit with sharpened sticks in the bottom.

We talk honestly. Even if it hurts. But in the end you walk away KNOWING what the other is thinking and feeling. Girls, we all know how manipulative we can be. It’s gross, really. You can’t say “Go out and have fun with the guys” and then be pissed when he does. You just told him it was fine. Bump.

Then you call him or text, and you’re upset when he doesn’t pay attention to you. Therefore you’re not important to him. After all, he should drop everything for you.  Really? ugh…. Set.

SO now he’s embarrassed and frustrated, because in his heart, the very last thing he wants is to make you unhappy, no matter how real it seems to you that he lies awake at night thinking up ways to piss you off. (Nope. He’s sleeping. I promise.) He’s not having any fun with the guys, and worse yet, they think he’s whipped because it’s evident he’s worried, and confused about what just happened. He gets home and is mad, and you’re upset that he’s mad. SPIKE. for the win.

Are you happy?? I mean, you got what you wanted right?? His full attention. I mean really, if you wanted his attention, you could’ve went with him when he invited you. Then you would’ve been there, having fun together. Silly me.  You didn’t want to have FUN together did you?

It’s exhausting. Don’t do it. Be honest. Be real. If you’re tired and want to stay home; then SLEEP. Don’t text and call and hang up all huffy.

Just imagine what would happen if your countenance was cheerful, and you had a smile on your face. And you laughed, and weren’t stressed around every corner. If you had a contagious LIFE about you; and went and had some fun for crying out sideways!!! Imagine….

So he asks kinda half heartedly if you would like to go bowling with some friends. But it doesn’t start til 930pm. You’re exhausted. But you say “Heck yes I wanna go!!” His chin is on the floor, but he stammers “yeah alright that’ll be f-f-fun!” He thinks “I hope”….. BUMP.

So you go, and you’re not thinking about how tired you are. You’re life-giving. Laughing, engaging in the conversations and wit around you. He thinks “Wow! I didn’t know she could be this fun!” ….SET.

You finally leave at 12:30 am, and you never once acted like you were dragged there, or unwilling to be there, and you genuinely had fun. He’s looking at you different, did you notice?  It’ll be a while before you get to go to sleep….. SPIKE.

I don’t know about you, but I like the third scenario the best…….

Sleep.

This is a note that my dear friend Katelyn wrote….I think it’s beautiful, and I can relate! Enjoy…..

Why I Don’t Sleep…

• I don’t want to.
• I have discovered the internet.
• I’m severely messed up.
• My mind is awake.
• I’m tired of dreaming.
• I am an insomniac.
• I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings in a dark room.
• I have an early class.
• I like to watch movies.
• I am too tired to dream.
• I have too many thoughts.
• I MUST think of a way to convince you that God is not dead.
• In all honesty, I must think of a way to convince myself that God is not dead.
• I don’t want my thoughts to turn into dreams which turn into nightmares.
• I am afraid that I may miss something that will change my life.
• My life needs to be changed.
• I am waiting up for someone.
• There are better things to do.
• I am afraid of my unconscious mind.
• I take naps late into the evening.
• I don’t want to stop talking with you.
• I’m scared that my dreams will be so much better than reality.
• No matter how hard I try, my mind finds somewhere else to be.
• Tomorrow is looking worse than today.
• I drink coffee in excess.
• I can have time alone when everyone else is asleep.
• I’m waiting for a goodnight hug… it’s taking forever.
• The feelings I thought I’d forgotten are there in my sleep.
• Somehow I can justify not doing work if its a time that I should be sleeping.
• I talk/yell in my sleep. I have a roommate.
• Sleep is for the weak.

On the other hand, Why I Take Afternoon/Evening Naps…

• I love sleep.
• My life has a tendency to fall apart when I am awake.
• You are there in my dreams.
• I can escape reality.
• I like to avoid work.
• I am not coming up with the answers I need.
• Thinking is hurting me.
• I don’t sleep at night.
• I have early classes.
• I can justify it because I “didn’t sleep well last night” … or any night for that matter.
• I don’t dream during naps. Or at least I don’t remember the dreams.
• When I open my eyes, there is light.

Surrender

Surrender. It’s a nice word. Fuzzy feelings follow it around…..

EMPTINESS.
“today’s the day, for real this time…..no more eating. C’mon you can do this… you’ve GOT to get skinny…it’s now or never… it’s easy, just don’t eat. just drink alot of water….. stop obsessing about food!!” So instead I binge because all I think about is food…
FEAR.
“Waking up in a cold sweat with tears on my face from a horrific nightmare where I was forced to watch someone torture my family, kill my kids, and do unthinkable things to them…powerless to  help, or made the wrong choice and they died anyway…hearing them scream for me….. Or drowning..breathing in water and fighting the wetness…..” So I don’t sleep.
HOPELESS.
“I feel nothing….I am empty inside…protecting myself from anything that might hurt…..trying to resist the urge to cut just to feel pain and to punish myself for not being good enough somehow…” So I seem emotionless.
TIRED.
I’m so very tired of fighting these same issues, for years and years and years now…. I should be past this…after all, I call myself a Christian…what a mess…..I’m tired of feeling empty, of being scared and terrified….. I think it’s starting to show.

I know I am a child of God and that He loves me, and has guided my life. I know there is nowhere I can go to get away from Him, and that is a HUGE comfort to me. I don’t want to be this way; empty, fearful, and unfeeling. But I am. when my focus is on ME. and what I do, or don’t do. The first thing I want to be is used greatly by Jesus, and be completely surrendered to Him. The last thing I want is to be fake, and insincere….But I can only go so far on my own, only do so much with what’s in me…

but then….
“Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.”
My life is not my own. It’s not about me. I was bought with a price. I need to STOP focusing on me, and focus instead on Jesus. I need to suck it up, and strap on a set, and live for Jesus.  I am imperfect…. Jesus uses the weak things of this world to confound the wise. I am sick, and need help…He came to save the lost and heal the broken.  In me, that is, in my flesh dwells no good thing. But I am covered in Jesus blood.

How completely freeing it is to know that all the good I can muster; without Jesus, is worth NOTHING. Freeing to know I CANNOT do it on my own; no matter how hard I’ve tried… and believe me, I’ve tried hard!! Freeing to know the best place for me is with Him. I have to surrender to the thought that I can’t. Not by myself. I have to surrender to the fact that I’m not in control. That I cannot protect my family….I have to surrender to the fact that it’s not about me. It’s all about HIM. I don’t want to be an attention whore….I prefer to work in the background, making sure all your needs are met…

But I can’t stay here, He loves me too much to let me stay where I’m comfortable…. and that scares the hell out of me. It shouldn’t. He has taken EXCELLENT care of me thus far….

It needs to be okay if I never achieve any amazingly great thing to go  down into the history books for….It needs to be okay if I am invisible, and forgotten by people….It needs to be okay if God takes a child of mine, or my husband to heaven without my permission….It needs to be okay with me if we never have money, and earthly treasures…. It needs to be okay with me that I cannot do this without His help…. and on and on…..

Still, I hold back….WHY?? I don’t know…. But all I can do today, right now,  is lay everything at His feet. Put it all in a basket and walk away, and not look back….

“He is no fool who loses what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose” -Jim Elliot, missionary martyr to Ecuador

¹ O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall^[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
¹² Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

¹⁷ How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

Community

I think I finally have an idea what true community should look like…and no, it’s not a scary glazed eye, birkenstock wearing, 2 decades behind current culture kind of group.

But it does involve laying down your pride.

Because you cannot be accountable to others, or be real with your needs if your constantly worried about maintaining your image. With that said….

Disclaimer: I also don’t think you should vomit your troubles to every poor soul that asks how you are doing. You don’t need to lie, but far to few people really look on the so called bright side (when all it really is is speaking truth to yourself) Answers to the every day public like, “God is so good to us” or “I’m great! How could I not be on a gorgeous day like today?” Those are not lies…. You still need to be an active, participating member of society.  Don’t post it on Facebook to get sympathy, or flap your arms, and “woe is me”…..*ahem* off the soapbox, and back to the story …

We all have people we can talk to about the real stuff….and remaining honest about our shortcomings, and physical needs, and being active in helping one another is so important to a community mindset. For instance,

This past week was the lowest of the low for my husband and I. We were both depressed, and exhausted, wondering how we were going to make it, Thing after thing kept happening, and it was harder and harder to keep a positive attitude.

The blue Astro van needed a tire. We had driven it as far as we could on the tire that was on it. In fact we started driving on it one more time, and the Buster (4) said “Daddy, it sounds like the tire is going to fall off” Sure enough it just about was, so we limped it home, only to get into the Montana, and the tire on that the cords were showing. This is NOT normal for us, my husband is AMAZING at keeping our vehicles in proper working order, and fixing things before they gets bad. But we simply couldn’t afford tires. So we hopped in that one to go 10 miles down the highway, and get a flat. So then drove on the donut tire the rest of the weekend.

On top of having not alot of food, (only what I had prepared the previous fall) and leaving for a mission trip in less than a week….

This happened, and all the while we’re still believing God was going to show up. And He did.

Sunday we were having people over after church like always. We didn’t have any food to eat, so a friend bought ingredients to make homemade mac and cheese. *YUM!*…and another couple came and brought us money, for 2 new tires and even out to eat money. What you don’t know is that they are struggling themselves; getting ready to have a baby, he is student teaching (read PAID money to go to work and NOT get paid) and she works at a fast food place. THEY gave US money. Happily!! There was a sweet little hallmark moment written on the envelope., it read:

“money for 2 tires: $100, money for 2 out to eat: $20, friends who won’t take money back, priceless.”

They saw a need and didn’t hesitate to fill it. Do you know that that was a crap ton of money to give us? That there were a million ways for them to use it themselves?! We aren’t finished yet.  While we were eating our yummy mac and cheese, someone came with 2 bags of groceries for us.

This is community, as best I know it. I have also never been more humbled. I like to think we are fine on our own, when in reality, we are not. We need others. And I for one, cannot wait til it’s our turn to pay these people back, or others as God leads. How faithful our God is, and how fun when people obey the prompting, not matter their own circumstance!!!

Trust. Part 2. In the thick

My lofty ideology about trust isn’t just textbook reading. This very year, month, week, day, hour, minute (you get the idea!!) my family and I are trusting God hardcore. Because we have nowhere else to go. It’s that simple. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

When life’s circumstances are all of a sudden VERY large; and they look bigger than God. And when you are walking through a situation that’s bigger than the last one that you thought you couldn’t make it through; it’s almost as if you are hearing a voice saying “And you thought LAST time was huge!” And crushing you under the weight of fear….

But I do know this: My God is big. Too big to fit into my finite box. So no matter what comes my way, it doesn’t matter if, to me, it doesn’t look like we can survive, or that it will EVER work out. Or if we will ever be okay again.  And as my heart is bleeding, and my knees are shaking while I’m writing this based on crushing struggles we are going through; I know we are in His hand. And I can trust Him with my very life. That is trust.

It has taken me forever to write this post because it’s extremely hard in the middle of a circumstance that looks all encompassing or all consuming to see above and beyond it. And I’m quite sure that I’m making it somewhat bigger than it needs to be!

Trust is active. It isn’t a passive attitude, that whatever comes, comes. It’s more like an offensive play in football; I know my God will supply ALL my needs according to His great riches and mercy, therefore; I will continue to keep my hand stretched  open and giving, and serving others.

It’s talking truth to yourself. I say, “I feel alone” God says He goes before me, He is my rear guard, he walks beside me, and there is nowhere I can go to get away from His presence. I say, “It feels like God doesn’t care about much about me.” God says that I’m supposed to cast all my care on Him, because He cares for me.

Trust isn’t just sitting on a couch HOPING everything will work out to God’s glory. Trust is actively going about your life, with a smile and a calm heart. You have to work through this sometimes, and it comes and ges…fear washes up, and then it retreats…..and washes up again, and retreats again….

And someday you will be able to turn around and finally see what God brought you though; and next time, my prayer for you is that  you will trust Him that much more.